Dear Newsweek, my daughter is 16 years old and her boyfriend is 17. I love the boyfriend, he is kind and my daughter enjoys his company, but his parents are controlling to the point of toxic.
Everything is their way or the highway. He is not permitted to come over to our home as the parents feel it is unsafe. He doesn't drive, but my daughter does, and his parents use the excuse that he never asked (not true).
Every time the boyfriend would ask if he and my daughter could go to see a movie or go out to eat, it ends in a huge fight with his parents as they refuse. Then he hits a wall, they call the police, and take him to the hospital for evaluation. He is later released but doesn't attend school for a few days.
The parents blame my daughter for everything—if he is in a mood, sad, doesn't want to talk (which is mainly because they take away his phone so he cannot talk to my daughter), or because he cannot go anywhere.
He has a 20-year-old sister who doesn't drive either and doesn't seem that active besides college, which seems to be online mostly. Both the boyfriend and sister work 4 to 6 times a month at a place where the mom got them jobs, and they each work 2 to 4 hours at a time.
The parents called social services on my daughter as they read all his texts and found out she took some pills at her lowest point, which was due to them calling her vulgar names. They called her a pill popper and said she isn't good enough for their son. My daughter is very mature, she holds a job, pays for her phone and car insurance, and has a car and a 4.2 GPA.
Even when the parents were refusing to let them go out, she texted them to sit down and talk about why they dislike her and find out what she can do for their trust, but she never got a reply.
I had to get my daughter into therapy because of the parents. Her boyfriend is in counseling and therapy. Both kids just want to date like normal teenagers. Honestly, it is like Romeo and Juliet all over again, and my heart just breaks. I had to have Jesus take the wheel on this one because I cannot deal with the parents anymore.
Connie, Ohio
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Turn Your Full Attention To Address Your Daughter's Needs
Faisal Tai MD is a psychiatrist and CEO at PsychPlus, with a focus on schizophrenia, mood disorders, personality disorder, anxiety and OCD in patients.
Firstly, I want to thank you for your heart-wrenching note. Secondly, I want to offer my sincere concerns for the exceedingly difficult circumstances that your daughter and family are in.
You are certainly not alone: just today the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported new data that shows that teenage girls in America are experiencing record levels of sadness and hopelessness. Young women in our country are experiencing a serious challenge to their wellbeing and they need the strong support of their parents, not to mention their doctors, more than ever.
Although your daughter's boyfriend's parents sound exceedingly difficult, my recommendation is for you to turn your full attention to addressing your daughter's mental health. If she has already taken pills at least once, then it could signal a cry for help or even a potential drug problem.
It is crucial that you get her the best medical care possible to make sure that she survives this very difficult period in her life. Plus, if you suspect that she might be suicidal at any point, then please be on the safe side and make use of the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
Continually Checking In With Your Daughter Is Key
Dr. Lisa Pion-Berlin is a licensed hypnotherapist and the CEO of Parents Anonymous, where she advocates for supportive communities and empowering families.
This sounds like a very tough situation for your daughter and your entire family. I want to acknowledge the courage you have as a mom to write about this difficult situation. Your concern for your daughter's boyfriend is admirable. Family dynamics can be hurtful to the growth and development of any age child. But adolescents in particular need to have support in exploring and determining their direction as they grow into responsible and independent adults.
While the boyfriend is a minor, he is still under the rule of his parents. It seems the son is caught in a dysfunctional family. If he is going to therapy, is this helping? Does the therapist make helpful suggestions and is his mental health being monitored? The good kid sometimes hides their feelings and can be experiencing anxiety and depression regarding the manner of interaction with his parents and their actions towards your daughter.
Trauma is real and cannot be ignored. Continually checking in with him and your daughter is key to preventing any serious circumstances. Changes in eating and sleeping habits, schoolwork or involvement with friends are critical to monitor in all children as they grow and develop.
Unless you feel they are being psychologically abusive or neglectful, you have very little recourse.
Your daughter needs to limit any personal information or thoughts in her correspondence since his parents are reading everything. They have already used personal information against your daughter to have her evaluated, these parents have no boundaries and are completely overbearing.
Lastly, it's hard but you are not responsible for the wellbeing of this young boy. If things get worse you can reach out to the school and social services or utilize your daughter's therapist to seek help.
