Dear Newsweek, My adult son will be getting married next year. The wedding will be held in Europe. My adult son and his fiancée have made this an "adults only" wedding.
While I'm not opposed to weddings that are adults only, I have two children aged 10 and 3. They are the groom's half-brother and half-sister.
When I asked my son if they would be making an exception for his younger siblings to attend the wedding, he said "no."
Fast forward one month. I was having dinner with my son and his fiancée when the topic of their wedding was raised.
My son mentioned that his 16-year-old half-brother, on his dad's side, would be a groomsman. In other words, he and his fiancée have made an exception for one brother but not for the other.
This has torn my heart to pieces. My younger son looks up to his older half-brother and doesn't understand why he can't go to the wedding.
My adult son announced in front of my younger son that it was "adults only," so he is aware of the situation.
Furthermore, I don't have anyone that can watch my two young children for a week while I attend my older son's wedding. I feel I'm in a position where I have to choose between attending my firstborn's wedding and staying home with my two younger children.
I have tried talking to my son and his fiancée, but they will not compromise on this issue.
Nicole, Texas
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'Discuss All Feelings Without Blame or Anger'
Jennifer Kelman is a family therapist for the JustAnswer website, a licensed clinical social worker, and parenting/relationships expert.
Your son is putting you in an unbearable situation, forcing you to choose and creating this tension. While it is understandable that the wedding is adults only, there could be an exception made for his half-siblings. Yes, they are young, but if the couple continues to be inflexible around this, it won't be possible for you to attend if you're unable to find someone to watch the kids.
I would try to find someone to watch the younger kids, since there is time before the wedding to make some plans. If there isn't any childcare solution, then you should sit with your son and his fiancée again and let them know that you won't be able to attend because you don't have any childcare options. I would let them know how sad you feel to miss this incredible day and that you wish things could be different.
I would not bring up the other half-sibling that is 16 years old because he is older. But you can let the groom know that your younger son is quite sad not to be included. In the end, if you're not able to attend, I believe all will feel a great sense of loss.
Plan another family meeting and discuss all feelings without blame or anger. Talk about the emotions that everyone feels now and what they might feel if you and your younger children are not able to attend.
'Demonstrate That You Are Up for the Challenge'
Mary Dobson is a licensed marital and family therapist and the owner of the Lift Wellness Company, a psychotherapy, psychiatry and dietary company based in Westport, Connecticut.
When a child gets married and enters into a partnership, it can be challenging for parents to accept the transition from director of the show to a mere audience member. With that said, your son's instructions to attend his wedding child-free present an opportunity for you to demonstrate that you are up for the challenge of transitioning into this new role, and that you can respect his new life status gracefully and with diplomacy.
Additionally, you are likely causing yourself great unhappiness to dwell on the motivation beneath your son's decision-making around allowing one half-sibling and not the others. By identifying this discrepancy to your son, you will put him in an uncomfortable position, and challenge his autonomy to make his wedding the day of his, and his bride's, dreams, shaped by their own choices.
Further, you risk your son perceiving that you are making his wedding a competition for preferential status between yourself and his father. Your son will likely feel that this is a historically tired, and unfair, position to put him in, and resent your demand that he revisit or rethink his decision, which I'm sure was carefully thought out and reflected on.
It is also possible that your son would like for your whole focus to be on him on his wedding day, without being distracted by caring for two young children.
Please do not view your son as choosing between half-siblings, or yourself as choosing between your son and your younger children. Life is so rarely black and white, and the circumstantial details of these decisions pale in comparison to a lifetime of being involved in your son's life and his happiness.
