Can you measure the quality of a friendship by the number of hugs? According to TikTok, the answer is yes.
The video-sharing platform has spawned a number of new relationship terms and trends, but the latest to raise eyebrows on the video-sharing platform is the "best friends don't hug" theory.
Like the "BFFs don't take selfies together" claim that went viral a few years ago, this new theory is about faking emotional intimacy. Supposedly, true friends don't take selfies together because they're too busy having fun. The "best friends don't hug" theory is based on similar reasoning and suggests that the more you hug your pals, the shallower your friendship.
But Jennifer Simas—an intimacy coach with expertise in platonic touch—said the link between physical affection and emotional closeness is more complicated in the real world.
"The amount of hugging between you and your bestie has zero correlation on the quality of your friendship," she told Newsweek.
"Physical touch doesn't play nearly as big a part in friendship quality as respect and authentic, honest communication."
The 'Best Friends Don't Hug' Theory Explained
As a cuddle coach, Simas holds workshops that help people to explore boundaries and intimacy through non-verbal communication. She said that for many people, physical touch is important for emotional wellbeing.
"The pandemic really brought up some awareness on how important physical touch is for growth and connection," she told Newsweek.
When we hug someone we care about, our bodies release oxytocin—also known as the "love hormone." This is the same hormone that helps newborn babies to bond with their moms, with oxytocin decreasing stress and promoting feelings of closeness, according to Harvard Medical School.
"I believe hugging is a way to embody kindness, connection and compassion in a quick yet personal exchange," Simas said. "It is easily accessible and doesn't require much work."
So, if hugs make us feel good, why would hugging our BFFs be a bad sign? Allegedly, friends who hug all the time are making up for an absence of emotional intimacy through physical affection.
According to Simas, this is an oversimplification of the link between emotional bonds and physical affection. Comfort levels with touch vary, no matter how intimate the relationship, while some people are "simply not huggers."
Why Do Some People Like Hugging and Others Don't?
Hating hugs is seen as a social oddity, so much so that science has looked into the matter. A 2012 study published in the journal Comprehensive Psychology found that "huggers" tended to be raised by other huggers, while "non-huggers" tended to be raised by less physically affectionate parents.
However, being raised by non-huggers can also have the opposite effect, with touch-starved children filling the gap as expressive adults. Regardless of upbringing, there are multiple reasons why someone might avoid the gesture.
"Childhood or sometimes adulthood trauma is generally the culprit when someone does not want to hug those they hold dear," Simas said.
"If touch has been associated with negative experiences, it is hard to incorporate into healthy and supportive relationships later in life."
Hating hugs doesn't have to stem from insidious reasons. Neurodivergent children and adults, with conditions such as ADHD or autism, can find physical touch uncomfortable or overwhelming.
"They could be totally mentally healthy and happy and just not like it," said Simas. "Respecting that is key."
I Hug My Pals All the Time, Is Our Friendship Doomed?
However, Simas believes that hugs and a strong relationship usually go hand-in-hand, as long as both parties actually like hugging.
"Sometimes a hug is an easy way out of a difficult discussion or a workaround for thoughtful communication," she said. "But I wouldn't necessarily say they make up for emotional intimacy."
Nevertheless, hugs can be a substitute for emotional intelligence, the ability to understand the feelings of others and to communicate your own.
"If you learned early on that disagreements can be solved by a hug, or other physical touch, then you can create a pattern where you use that instead of letting deep and emotionally investing intimate conversations occur," Simas said.
So, if you and your pals like to hug, then great. If you don't, then that's also fine, as long as you're on the same page.
"If you and your BFF love to hug, you are just as likely to have a friendship that withstands the test of time as friends who don't," said Simas.
